Christians need to change the way we talk about mental health
Hmm, another controversial post. (Sorry not sorry.)
I've been in the church my whole life, I love God, I love learning about Him and growing my relationship with Him. However, sometimes Christians drive me nuts.
So let's talk about mental health and Christians.
I talked a bit about my mental health journey here but the TL;DR is that I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder (among other things like various eating disorders) about three or four years ago. I get sad. I get anxious. Sometimes I stay in bed for way too long. Sometimes I don't eat enough, or I eat too much. It happens. So I take my meds and meditate and go to therapy and go to the gym and hug my dog and read good books and hang out with friends to feel better. Life goes on. We deal.
My mental health isn't something I talk a lot about in real life for various reasons. One is that this is my health and it's my business, and I don't like the stigma attached to mental health issues. I guess it's easier for me online, where although most people who read my blog know me at least I don't have to talk about it aloud, or try to put my words together on the spot in a way that makes sense.
However, there are a handful of people who know what's going on in my real life. This is so important for me because if I need to leave the room because I'm having a panic attack I need people to be like okay, come back if you're ready and if you need to, we can talk later in private. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, and if I'm struggling I need backup, someone to explain that yeah she's good, she just needs a minute.
I find when I go to people to explain this, I *generally* get different reactions based on whether that person is religious or not. (Yes, generalisations. However, also noticeable patterns.)
I usually begin these conversations by explaining to people what's going on and what I need from them. For example, hey there, thanks for talking with me, I appreciate it. I've had <disorder> for <amount of time> and I've been doing <techniques> to control it. <This> is what I need from you going forward, is that okay?
Generally, people who aren't religious are pretty good. They don't try to fix me and they don't try to tell me why I'm not doing enough/why I'm doing too much. They say yep, I can do those things for you without judgement, and that's all I need.
However, I find with Christians the response is often <this> is how you can fix it. While I'm thankful for the concern, I didn't come to be fixed, I came for support. I told you because we're going on a group trip this weekend and you might see me eating weirdly, or maybe I have to leave the room suddenly, and I need you to keep everyone out of my face. And while I've had this reaction from people from all walks of life, it seems that Christians are suddenly very interested in my prayer life, my walk with God, how often I'm reading my Bible, or what other sins I have in my life that may be causing my mental illnesses.
That is not okay.
My mental illness is not caused by lack of prayer or not reading my Bible. I've been told that instead of taking my medication I should just pray every time I'm feeling anxious or depressed, or that everyone gets stressed and we can do all things through Him who gives us strength, that I should just give my problems to God and that'll fix everything. I've heard these things from people who should know better, which is why I don't currently see a Christian therapist.
Would you tell someone who has a broken leg that they shouldn't be seeing a doctor and should just pray to heal their leg instead? While I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and miracles, I don't believe that God is a magic genie who grants our wishes at every command. God has given us doctors to set our broken legs and prescribe us antibiotics. God has given us psychiatrists who can recognise chemical imbalances in the brain and give us medicine to level things out.
When someone with a broken leg asks you to change venues for the party because they can't get up the stairs, you don't tell them that everyone gets sore joints sometimes and if they only read their Bible enough they would be healed and could walk up the stairs. No, you change the location to somewhere with an elevator and you don't guilt them with their spiritual journey.
And another thing. I've heard in more sermons than I would care to admit that things like self-esteem arebad because it's focused on yourself, not other people. I've heard that self-esteem is inherently selfish and sinful and Christians are called to put others before ourselves. (See? It literally has the word "self" in it so it must be bad! *smashes something fragile*) However, that is a terrible message. Putting others before yourself is a great thing to do, but claiming that "having any kind of self-esteem is un-Christian" causes major damage. That's one of the reasons why I avoided getting help when I desperately needed it, because I thought that if I focused on building my self-esteem (which was awful to the point of self-harm) then I was being a bad Christian. Yes, I think in general people should be less selfish, but we also have to have an appreciate and love for God's creation, and that includes ourselves. Telling people that they don't matter and if they take the space to practice self-care and self-love and to improve their self-esteem then they are, in essence, bad Christians is a horrible stance to take.
I don't know what it is with Christians who tend to invalidate very real illnesses. Thankfully, most of the people who have given me these reactions have come to understand that this isn't my fault and that I need them to start booking party venues with elevators.
I think maybe it's because a) mental illnesses are not well understood in the Christian community and b) because we tend to equate mental health with spiritual health. There definitely is some truth to that, but there is the other side of the coin that is important as well.
I guess the TL;DR of this is to listen to people and validate their experiences. Don't offer unsolicited advice, especially if you haven't gone through a similar experience. People with mental illnesses are not problems to be solved, we are people to be listened to and supported.
I've been in the church my whole life, I love God, I love learning about Him and growing my relationship with Him. However, sometimes Christians drive me nuts.
So let's talk about mental health and Christians.
I talked a bit about my mental health journey here but the TL;DR is that I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder (among other things like various eating disorders) about three or four years ago. I get sad. I get anxious. Sometimes I stay in bed for way too long. Sometimes I don't eat enough, or I eat too much. It happens. So I take my meds and meditate and go to therapy and go to the gym and hug my dog and read good books and hang out with friends to feel better. Life goes on. We deal.
My mental health isn't something I talk a lot about in real life for various reasons. One is that this is my health and it's my business, and I don't like the stigma attached to mental health issues. I guess it's easier for me online, where although most people who read my blog know me at least I don't have to talk about it aloud, or try to put my words together on the spot in a way that makes sense.
However, there are a handful of people who know what's going on in my real life. This is so important for me because if I need to leave the room because I'm having a panic attack I need people to be like okay, come back if you're ready and if you need to, we can talk later in private. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, and if I'm struggling I need backup, someone to explain that yeah she's good, she just needs a minute.
I find when I go to people to explain this, I *generally* get different reactions based on whether that person is religious or not. (Yes, generalisations. However, also noticeable patterns.)
I usually begin these conversations by explaining to people what's going on and what I need from them. For example, hey there, thanks for talking with me, I appreciate it. I've had <disorder> for <amount of time> and I've been doing <techniques> to control it. <This> is what I need from you going forward, is that okay?
Generally, people who aren't religious are pretty good. They don't try to fix me and they don't try to tell me why I'm not doing enough/why I'm doing too much. They say yep, I can do those things for you without judgement, and that's all I need.
However, I find with Christians the response is often <this> is how you can fix it. While I'm thankful for the concern, I didn't come to be fixed, I came for support. I told you because we're going on a group trip this weekend and you might see me eating weirdly, or maybe I have to leave the room suddenly, and I need you to keep everyone out of my face. And while I've had this reaction from people from all walks of life, it seems that Christians are suddenly very interested in my prayer life, my walk with God, how often I'm reading my Bible, or what other sins I have in my life that may be causing my mental illnesses.
That is not okay.
My mental illness is not caused by lack of prayer or not reading my Bible. I've been told that instead of taking my medication I should just pray every time I'm feeling anxious or depressed, or that everyone gets stressed and we can do all things through Him who gives us strength, that I should just give my problems to God and that'll fix everything. I've heard these things from people who should know better, which is why I don't currently see a Christian therapist.
Would you tell someone who has a broken leg that they shouldn't be seeing a doctor and should just pray to heal their leg instead? While I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and miracles, I don't believe that God is a magic genie who grants our wishes at every command. God has given us doctors to set our broken legs and prescribe us antibiotics. God has given us psychiatrists who can recognise chemical imbalances in the brain and give us medicine to level things out.
When someone with a broken leg asks you to change venues for the party because they can't get up the stairs, you don't tell them that everyone gets sore joints sometimes and if they only read their Bible enough they would be healed and could walk up the stairs. No, you change the location to somewhere with an elevator and you don't guilt them with their spiritual journey.
And another thing. I've heard in more sermons than I would care to admit that things like self-esteem arebad because it's focused on yourself, not other people. I've heard that self-esteem is inherently selfish and sinful and Christians are called to put others before ourselves. (See? It literally has the word "self" in it so it must be bad! *smashes something fragile*) However, that is a terrible message. Putting others before yourself is a great thing to do, but claiming that "having any kind of self-esteem is un-Christian" causes major damage. That's one of the reasons why I avoided getting help when I desperately needed it, because I thought that if I focused on building my self-esteem (which was awful to the point of self-harm) then I was being a bad Christian. Yes, I think in general people should be less selfish, but we also have to have an appreciate and love for God's creation, and that includes ourselves. Telling people that they don't matter and if they take the space to practice self-care and self-love and to improve their self-esteem then they are, in essence, bad Christians is a horrible stance to take.
I don't know what it is with Christians who tend to invalidate very real illnesses. Thankfully, most of the people who have given me these reactions have come to understand that this isn't my fault and that I need them to start booking party venues with elevators.
I think maybe it's because a) mental illnesses are not well understood in the Christian community and b) because we tend to equate mental health with spiritual health. There definitely is some truth to that, but there is the other side of the coin that is important as well.
I guess the TL;DR of this is to listen to people and validate their experiences. Don't offer unsolicited advice, especially if you haven't gone through a similar experience. People with mental illnesses are not problems to be solved, we are people to be listened to and supported.
PREACH! Yes. One analogous example that has helped me is the one about putting your own oxygen mask on before trying to help other people. They always tell you to do that on the plane. Essentially they're like: Do Not Try to Be A Hero. Put on your own mask first. THEN help other people. There's no reason for you to be gasping for air or for love while you try to help others. If you can put the mask on, put the mask on. If you can't, hope that someone else has had the strength to get theirs on and is now looking around for someone who might need assistance.
ReplyDeleteGod provides for us in so many ways, and it's so strange that Christians have decided that God can provide for your mental health through a human-written book about being happy in Jesus, but not through a pill containing a chemical that your brain needs. Love this post! Thanks for writing.
You're spot on in this. I really don't understand why we as Christians seem to think our chief calling is to fix everything right this instant. And while I do think that spiritual health and mental health can be related (just as physical and mental health can be related), it really irks me when people ignore the mental health side of things to entirely focus on the spiritual.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, people don't make the right chemicals in their brain, just like people don't make the right chemicals in their pancreas when they're diabetic. And while sometimes you can manage mental health without chemicals, just like you can sometimes manage diabetes without insulin supplementation, sometimes you need additional help. This is not (always) a personal sin problem. This is a we live in a fallen, broken world waiting for Jesus to come back problem.
Thanks for being open with your struggles. I think it's a good reminder that there are more people fighting hard fights than we think. If you ever need some Christian encouragement in the mental health department, I would highly recommend Heidi Goehmann's blog (a quick Google search should turn it up). She writes rather extensively on the subject and might give you some hope that there really are some Christians who get it.